if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
