Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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