It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
