Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
