Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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