Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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