Non-Jews are for practice
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
