Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
