p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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