The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you had me at cake vodka
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
