Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
