Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize