You're my little dorito
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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