so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
