He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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