I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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