I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
