This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
