i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
