Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
