i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
