Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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