I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
