lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
