just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
