Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
