Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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