i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
