if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
