Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
