Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
