You work out of a Hotel?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
