booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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