My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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