Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
