I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I party with great urgency now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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