Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
