does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
