Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
