i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
