Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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