she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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