you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
