Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
