You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Porn is love you can see.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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