I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
