K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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