Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
