12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize