Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
