there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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