You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
