omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
