Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
