dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
my liver is dry heaving
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
