you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
