my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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