god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
And then he peed in my hair
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